"It's not about you."

“It’s not about you.”
The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, making a name for yourself, or even your happiness. It’s far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God.” (Rick Warren)
So, right in the middle of Psalm 23, we find a powerful phrase, “for His name’s sake.” Other translations put it like this:
“bringing honor to his name” NLT
“for the sake of his reputation” The NET Bible
“for the good of his name” New Century Version

Even though God made you to love you, and He does enough that He died for you; life is still not about you. Life is all about God.

I have come to this point in my life where I look at people who just DON’T GET IT! They are so stuck on themselves that they can’t put there pride aside and see that God is SOO much bigger then all of the crap going on in their lives. Now I am not saying that life does not get hard in fact I would be the first to admit that I have gone through some pretty rough times. But I can also say that I have NEVER let my pride bring me to a point where I have stopped seek after my Father…

Pride is the only disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it.

God is to be glorified because He has done awesome things, because He just is awesome, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-wise, creator, giver, sustainer…..and the list goes on. Because you bear His name, because you have benefited from His power, His provision, His forgiveness, you will want above all else to live to the praise and glory of His name.
So the reason God takes the credit, is because He deserves it, because He knows that His glory brings us satisfaction – because we bear His name. The other reason He takes the glory is because He knows we can’t handle it. We aren’t content with a little bite of praise; we tend to swallow it. It messes with our system. The praise swells our head and shrinks our brains, and pretty soon we think we had something to do with our survival. Pretty soon we forget we were made out of dirt and rescued from sin.

We may be the canvas, the scalpel, the tool, or the instrument, but we are not the ones who deserve the applause. The shepherd leads the sheep, not for our name’s sake, but “for His name’s sake.”

God made you to love you. He gave up everything for you. Yet it is His name, His glory that He is most concerned about. In everything He does, His purpose is to preserve and display His glory. Why does God have anything to do with us? For His name’s sake. So does God have an ego problem? No, but we do.

He is already worthy of all praise and adoration and exaltation. Before He created anything, He lived in complete fulfillment and perfection. Yet He chose to make us and everything we see around us. He takes the credit for the things He does because He is worthy. And He knows that when we live for His praise and glory, we are most satisfied and fulfilled.

So take a moment…YEAH YOU! Take one FRICKIN moment and realize that “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU” That God knew your name before you were born he understands that your life is going to be filled with hills and valleys and we should be thankful that HE CHOSE US!

During this time of the year where so many of us are stuck in our circumstances that we even forget the reason for the season. We are overwhelmed with where we are in life that we forget “It’s not about us”…It’s about him. And in order for us to really fully comprehend that we need to put our pride aside. He came to this earth to rescue us not the other way around... Remember that when you feel you can handle everything on your own... "It's not about you."

"Master, save me!"

Matthew 14:29-31
He said, "Come ahead."
Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!"
Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?"

And then in a span of a few minutes a storm changes Peters whole day. And as I look at this passage there are a few things that I can learn. The first thing that I can learn is that we all have tough times in our lives and these tough times hit us like storms!

Even Peter hesitated… I have been walking through the last couple of days with a ton of things on my heart… I feel like the waves are churning beneath my feet…yet there is one thing I am neglecting to do and that is cry out “Master, save me!” I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have time…it hurts to much… I need to have my crap together before I bring it to God… Yeah I know that’s just not going to cut it!!

In the midst of the storm Peter cried out “Master, save me!”... And Jesus DID… NOT… HESITATE… What gives me the right to stand in the middle of churning waves and think that I can take it on myself, and to be honest I don’t even think that but something in my being is keeping me from crying out to my Master. What am I thinking… Why am I so guarded and scared that I will not stand before my Master and admit that I am scared and confused, overwhelmed with the weight of the world weighing down on my spirit. Is holding this all in really making me feel any better or proving something about my character?

I had the opportunity to go for a walk in the woods this weekend and in that brief time in the woods I took the time to look up… Do you know what I saw…I saw the world spinning around me. It did not stop because my friends baby just died…it did not stop because my boy friend was just in a bad motorcycle accident…it did not stop because my mom stopped talking to me…it did not stop because someone in the church has a problem with my leadership…it did not stop because I never get enough sleep…the bottom line here is that the world just keeps on spinning. Even though the weight of the world may be weighing me down to the point where I feel like I can’t move that indeed is not the case, because as I saw in the woods this weekend even though I may have churning waves under my feet the world just keeps spinning. I need to shout out with as much strength as possible “Master, save me!”

Just as Jesus said to Peter "Faint-heart, what got into you?" I feel that in my own way he is saying the same thing to me. “My dear child…what keeps you from entering into my presence?” And I would have to honestly answer “I DON’T KNOW…it could be fear Father…”

So as I finish my thoughts and this blog I think even though Peter was faint-hearted Jesus still reached out to him and I know that in my faint-heartedness I need to cry out “Master, save me!” and let Jesus grab hold of my hand.

So as I was thinking about what to blog about I honestly came up with nothing…because honestly I feel like I have so much going on that I don’t even know where to start. My world has gone from uncomplicated to complicated in just a few weeks… If this is Gods way of refining me in the fire he can take me out anytime now… From dealing with the past to pushing through the present these past couple of weeks can be summed up in one simple little word, HARD. When I think about how people say that God holds every tear that you cry part of me is thinking honestly God isn’t your container getting full yet… How can I take care of the past when I am having a hard time pushing through the present? I can not even put my finger on all the emotions I am feeling and when I try I end up falling to my knees with tears running down my face, and as of lately I have not even had time to fall to my knees my face just ends up resting on the steering wheel of the car with tears flowing out… Uncertain…I am…Confused… I am…Scarred… I am… Unconfident… I am… Unsure…I am…Doubtful… I am… Hesitant…I am …

Oh the Joys!!

This blog is just a little comic relief for my roomie and me :)… So I was thinking today about how lucky we really are to have the AMAZING people we have living above us. I mean honestly just think about it…we are going to be pro’s at Tetris after mastering how to fit our cars into the parking lot that we have seemed to of acquired… So much for a driveway right :) And also just think about this… We don’t need to have pets of our own because our neighbors cat seems to love us enough so sing us to sleep every night…meow meow meow. And how great is it that the friendly feline keeps us company on our front porch :). Oh and we can’t forget the fact that we don’t really need to get to know our neighbors because we can learn everything about them by just sitting in our place and hearing their conversations through the floor…”ohh how was your day at school Eric…?” “It was great I fell asleep in political science Jacky…” See what more would you want to know. Also we can’t forget about the fact that we have to keep our eyes on the police report section of the paper so we can find out just exactly why our neighbor was walked to a squad car in hand cuffs right outside our house. Whoever said living next to the police department is safe!...DO YOU SMELL GAS…cause I smell gas and I am not talking about the kind of gas that happens when you eat to many beans!! Sarah do you know what time the baby next store wakes up in the morning??? Ohh and by the way what is their morning routine?!?! :) Roomie did you hear the neighbors move in their washer and drier last night…? I DID… and…YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! :) And we can’t forget the fact that Barak is living above us!! Well dear I hope this made you laugh and I thought I would put a little humor to all the “stuff” going on in, and around, and above our home… Here birdie birdie birdie!!! And one more thing…Would you please park in the garage tonight because I don’t want to worry about dodging those bats in our garage :)!!

LORD I NEED YOU!

I found out this morning that I will be going to another funeral this weekend… My best friend from high school called me crying and I had to do whatever I could to stay strong for her. Pain, fear, hurt, sorrow, questions…all these emotions are pouring out of my pores. The core of my heart is crying out “Lord I need you…” I need you because I don’t have answers for the ones I love… “Lord I need you…” Because my strength is not able to withstand the pressure I am feeling… “Lord I need you...” Because I can’t keep going through this and acting like I have it all together… “Lord I need you…” Because without you I know I am nothing even though right now I want to push you away… LORD I NEED YOU!

How do you love through the hurt…How do you smile through the pain…How do you lead with a limp…How do you answer tough questions when you don’t know the answers… How do you love life but at the same time hate it…How do you heal…

Lord I need you… I am going to be at a place this weekend where I never thought I would be. I don’t even know what to say or what to do. How do I love the ones I love and let them know that this is all happening for a reason… I can just imagine… “I am so sorry for your loss but its in Gods hands and everything is going to be alright” BARFFF How do you let an unbelieving family know that God is in control of such an awful situation? I am NOT going to tell them that God is in control because I am a believer and during a time like this I don’t even want to hear this. Though in my heart I know it is true I still struggle with understanding the why…

So as I close this blog my thoughts are all over the place and my heart at times feels so heavy with pain. I need to remember that I am still happy and my strength still comes from something greater then me. I guess you could say that though the situations in life right now is not ideal that in my fathers arms I will rest, simply saying with as much strength as I can…”Lord I need you…”

Why...

As I sit here and think about all the different thoughts going through my head one of the first things that comes to my mind is WHY GOD… why do people that love you and people that are there for you die…I feel like part of me should not be asking that question…I should know the answer…RIGHT??... However it does not take away the hurt…I have to go to a funeral tomorrow of a dear dear friend…a funeral of someone who loved me when everyone else turned there back on me…a friend who may have been 50 years older then me but she saw the good in me when my family turned their back on me…she loved me through my rebellious teenage years. She took me under her wing and encouraged me to persevere even though at times in my life at that age I did not want to. Why God do we have to say good bye… why does it hurt… why are there tears… why do we let people into our lives only to have to let them go…why…

SO many thoughts…pretty sure I just got off the phone with my family and no one wanted to talk to me…tears…

My heart is filled with thoughts right now that I don’t know how to put into words…thoughts of joy and sorrow…thoughts of wonder and worry…thoughts of praise and doubt…thoughts of longing and living in the moment… My thoughts are empty, raw, heartless, hopeful, naked, bitter, happy, sad, real…There is something about where I am in life right now that keeps me on the tip of my toes…just when I feel like life is going great God puts a gentle reminder in my way…Simply saying “come away with me child…I am not done yet.”

John 10:10

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10 (NKJV)

Do you ever question if you are good enough? I do – I have all my life. Do you dwell more on what's wrong with you than what's right with you? I do that a lot too.

However, latley I realized that I was the only one surveying myself to get those answers. Well, myself with a little help from my enemy, Satan. For a long time I didn't even recognize him for who he was. My negative thoughts and deceitful suggestions just sounded like my own voice.

The Bible opens with the warning of a serpent slithering into the lives of Adam and Eve, filling their heads with lies that separated them from God. They chose to believe the lies. Jesus, too, was tempted by this liar. He was ready though. He knew the Word of God and that was the only weapon He needed to defeat the evil one.

I know I’m not Jesus, but I can strive to be like Him. I find great comfort in knowing He is with me every step of the way. I can also find great comfort knowing I have the same weapon that He had. I have God's Word available to me in the Bible.

When I compared my negative thoughts to God's Word, I was amazed at the differences:

My thoughts tell me to give up.God's Word tells me to be committed. Matthew 5:33-37

My thoughts tell me “I need it now!”God's Word tells me to exercise self-control. Galatians 5:23

My thoughts tell me I deserve to come first, be selfish.God's Word tells me to have humility and put others first. Philippians 2:3-4

My thoughts tell to get mad and hold a grudge.God's Word says forgive as many times as it takes. Matthew 18:21-22

My thoughts tell me to seek revenge.God's Word tells me to be a peacemaker. Romans 12:18-19

My thoughts tell me take all the credit.God's Word tells me to glorify Jesus Christ. John 17:5

My thoughts tell me I need to look good on the outside and no one will notice the ugly inside. God's Word tells me to be pure on the inside and the outside won't even matter. Proverbs 31:30

My thoughts tell me I'm ugly. God's Word tells me I'm wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

My thoughts tell me I'm all alone and no one understands me. God's Word tells me He will never leave me He knows the plans He has for me. Deuteronomy 31:6, Jeremiah 29:11

My thoughts tell me that I'm just not good enough. God's Word tells me that I'm His gift to the world and that I was created in His image. Psalm 127:3, Genesis 1:26

I am learning that the lies must be replaced with Words that are true. That way, when Satan’s lies slither back into my head, I'm ready and I can defeat the enemy.
I admit this has been a challenge for me. I'm so thankful that: I have friends in place who know I struggle with this to remind me of my true identity; I was brave enough to seek counseling when I needed help; I learned that anxiety and depression were not always my fault. I am thankful for those who stood beside me even when I was miserable to be around; each time I felt like quitting or giving up, I never did.
I don't want to waste time that God has given me to live with negative thoughts about myself and lies that aren't true. That only keeps me from Him and keeps me from the work He has purposed me for. Evaluate your thoughts. Condemning thoughts are not from God. Renew your mind with the Word of God. Do not allow the enemy to separate you from the love of God and the life that was meant for you.

A reminder to me...

I remember hearing once that every step we take is a little act of faith.
Every time we lift a foot from the ground, we fall a little … and we have faith that our other foot knows what to do to prevent catastrophe.
We have faith that each time we lift one foot and start falling to the ground, that our other foot will automatically take up the slack and keep us from landing with a thud.
We don’t know for sure that the other foot will come through for us every time. Occasionally that foot betrays us and we wind up sprawled on a sidewalk somewhere.
But we have enough faith in the process to not fear that every step we take may lead to an embarrassing and painful spill.
It’s not really the foot we have faith in, or the leg, or the part of the brain that controls the walking process … it’s ourselves we have faith in.
Do you know what stops most of us from accomplishing our dreams? Ourselves. (I stop myself!)
We are all self-sabotagers. We don’t mean to be. We just don’t know any better.
Every time we say, "I’ll never …" or "I can’t …" we are telling the whole world that we can’t accomplish what we think we really want to accomplish.
We are doubting ourselves. We are making excuses. We are listening to that part of our brain that likes to mess with us.
Life is not a soap opera or a drama.
No one is throwing obstacles in our way except for us.
There is not some grand scheme fabricated up by bad guys to derail us from our greatest desires.
If there is some villain who haunts your every move, following you around and crushing all of your hopes and dreams … you should write a book about it and make millions from it.
Odds are that is not what’s happening in your life or mine to keep you from your goals.
Blaming others and making excuses for our own failures is just a cop out. It’s easy to place blame on everyone around us. It’s too easy, because it almost always seems rational and justified. The problem is that to truly find the reason behind mistakes in your life, or obstacles that you cannot seem to overcome is to look inside.
YOU are the only one in control of your life. If you don’t like something, only you can change it. You can’t sit around waiting for other people to change so that they can make you happy. It ain’t gonna happen. You need to take control of your own dreams and your own happiness.
It can’t always be – not enough money – not enough time – not enough love … Or – if only I had money – if only I were married – if only I were thinner – if only I had a better job …
THEN I will …
No.
Not then.
Now.
Take control now. Stop waiting for everything you think will make your life perfect, grab it by the frickin horns and make your life happen. If you want something then go get it. If you need something to change then change it. It’s all up to you.
Do I sound preachy, here?
See, the thing is: I write this blog for me. I do it because I love to write, I love to make people laugh … and maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get some people to think a little bit. (Mainly myself!)
But mostly I write because it is what I do. It is how I cope. It is how I make myself laugh. And a lot of times, it is also how I make myself think.
This is what I have figured out about my current situation: I can either decide to let work make me miserable and whine helplessly about it, or I can choose to accept it as a learning experience and remember that it is a temporary situation that I have set up for myself and that really it’s not all that bad.
I can choose to be miserable, or I can choose to be happy. And if I ultimately decide that I need to remove myself from the situation, I can choose to do that.
The only traps in life are bear traps --- oh --- and the traps we set for ourselves.
We are clever when it comes to sabotaging our own happiness. You have to watch out for that!
Sometimes I forget that … and I need to write an entire blog entry to remind myself.
I need to remember to have faith in myself. I have to remember that it is faith in me that keeps me from falling down all the time.
I have to remember to give control of my dreams, my life and my happiness to God. People at work can say and do and think what they want about me. It doesn’t matter a bit in the grand scheme of things. I will be the one walking with confidence through the rest of my life because I know that other foot will always do what it is supposed to do and I am not walking alone.

Happy????

So here I am a little over 2 months later and I am finally getting back to the blogging world. A lot has changed with my life and when I say A LOT I mean A lot. So much has changed that blogging about it kind of makes me overwhelmed because I am not sure what to write about and what not to write about… So I’ll stick to the K.I.S.S method…and in case you’re the one thinking to yourself what in the world is the K.I.S.S. method I’ll fill you in. It stands for Keep It Simple Stupid!
So I made the move…Yup I am no longer in the state of MN…and if I am at all honest with myself I must say I am happy about that. I mean there were things about MN that I really liked…like the fact that there gas taxes were lower and the fact that I felt far enough away from my family that I was not relying on them and that ummm yeah…that’s pretty much all I’ve got! So I must say that even though I am reluctant to say it this move has been good for me. I have had many mixed emotions though through this entire process. I went from working 40 hour weeks…which consisted of loving kids and teaching them things. To working 60+ hours a week and being fluent in a language that I thought I would never speak…INSURANCE! Yeah that’s right I am an “insurance expert”! Now the title sounds great but let me just tell you some things about people who work in the insurance business they need to have thick skin because most of the time when people are calling for insurance something has gone wrong or something is going to go wrong and like it or not more then likely they are going to bitch…AT YOU! So it’s become a regular pattern for me to cry at work…yeah pathetic I know…I guess it’s time for me to thickin up I don’t want to me known as “the crier” at work… and I am sure all of you know what I am talking about!
Well not only am I an “insurance expert” but I also work at a church as a worship arts intern. Which in case for those of you who may not have known this it is the whole reason I moved back to the good ole state of WI. Now when I first got hired at the church I doubted and wondered what the cap am I doing. But now that I am here I could not be more thankful for this opportunity. Serving makes me so happy. It goes beyond the realm of leading worship in a church and into a whole different area of serving, loving, participating, empowering, coaching, and caring… The job at the church where I work is teaching me more then I could have ever imagined. Now I wish I could share those reason with the entire blog reading world but that is something that is going to be kept in my prayer journal and with my closest friends. What I can say is that I am happy! After going back and reading my past blogs throughout this past year I realize how unhappy I really was… from the location I was in, to the lack of friends, to not having any fellowship…A lot has changed.
Being in the place where I am now has brought me to people who I love, care for and am thankful for…and I know they feel the same way. Many of them will be reading this blog so let me just tell you something…thank you for loving me, caring for me, and being there for me. All of you are blessings. Which in this season of my life seem to be abundant!
So this blog is short and if you want to know more call me up…I said I was going to use the K.I.S.S. method and I am going to stick to it. Now we can only hope the next time I enter the blog world again it won’t be 2 months from now ☺

A season of Circumstances...

A season of circumstances…

As I take some time to look back on this past year I notice all of the different circumstances that God has put in my path. Circumstances that have brought me to a place that I never thought I would be both geographically and emotionally… And When I talk about this past year I am talking about how May of last year as I walked a crossed the staged and graduated I had my life planned out…and let me just tell you it was not a life filled with circumstances…
Circumstances such as…
Confusion
Questions
Lack of Friends
Learning to be real
Dealing with my past
Trying to figure out my present
Loneliness
Resigning from my first job
Getting in a car accident
My sister-in law having a major stroke
Moving out of my parents house
Trying to figure out who I am
Learning to be real
Taking steps in fear
Trusting God with $$$$$.... (still working on this one)
Being uncomfortable
Learning to not force the growth of fruit during a drought
Brokenness
Doubt
My Grandpa died
Learning to live ALONE…
Anger
I was robbed…
I had to love people who seemed unlovable…

The list circumstance I have gone through could go on and on but let me say one thing about all of them…I have not enjoyed any of them! But I would not change this past year for anything. Throughout this past year I have never ever felt so close to God. Though the feeling of being alone has never been more present in this season of my life, God has taught me that He is really all I need…Now I am not one to sugar coat life with flowers and candy but God is really the only reason I know that I made it through this past year.

Life sucks sometimes…Its hard! But I have learned that God is bigger then all the crap going on in my life. I am not one to let the whole world know about all the garbage going on in my life but I am making an exception this time because I know there are people who feel that they are all alone…and the truth is you may be “worldly alone”… meaning you may have no one to talk to, no one returns your phone calls, no one really cares that you cry yourself to sleep, you may not have anyone to hangout with on a Friday night… but everything just listed above is of this world. God is bigger and if I had not experienced this past year I would have rolled my eyes at you and said something like this to myself “are you kidding?!? What a joke she used the old saying God is Bigger… that makes me want to BARFF…” but it’s the truth and sometimes it does us some good to be reminded of the simple things in life and are just plain true…God is bigger…

So as I start this new season of my life…moving…networking…new jobs…alone…I know that I can do this. I may doubt and have moments of weakness but I know that in my weakness he is strong. I know that even though I may sit by myself on a Friday night that I am not alone. I know that I have passions and dreams for a reason and it is my job to not get overwhelmed by the circumstances that surround and press on toward the prize.

I want to be the spark that sets the world on fire…I want to follow my dreams and trust God with them…

1:38 AM

So here I am on an early Wednesday morning overwhelmed and scared of what is to come… I know that God is in control and that I have no reason to feel overwhelmed but the fact of the matter is that I am! Does that make me less of a Christian? I don’t think it does. There are plenty of times in the bible where people who love God cry out for help, they cry out asking God for reassurance asking for Gods loving arms to hold them. So as I continue to walk forward in fear I am also crying out to God… “HOLD ME! Give me a sign that this is your will for my life…I can’t do this alone. And I know that you are there I just can’t feel you and right now I need to feel you! Thoughts of my past are telling me that I can not do this…GOD I NEED YOU! Please don’t just leave me. Help me. Lead me. Hold me…”



This is the cry of my heart…

Courage

Faith is the courage to believe something enough that we risk going for it whole heartedly.


Faith= Taking all your fears rapping them around your heart and walking in FAITH.


Doing IT in Fear.

Soon I will be doing something that I never thought I would have the courage to do. So as I walk down this path that sometimes leaves me trembling I will rest knowing that I am doing this for God and NO ONE ELSE!


God I want to discover the treasure you’ve painted in me...

Taking steps to reach my goals…
And doing it in fear…

I want to be caught up in something bigger then me
I don't want the things in my life to be the only thing I see
Though the world around me may be crumbling
Help me to see that the world is bigger then me

Help me to see the pain of your people
Help me to be a living walking steeple
Help me to show love and compassion
Help me to be your refection

There's suffering and pain all around me
There are people who are homeless and
Kids who are hungry

Light...

Your thoughtfulness came at a time when I thought the world around me was crashing down. Your caring heart brought tears of happiness to me. Something I did think would happen because the only thing I had been crying was tears of pain and hurt. Your simple act of love brought me hope. During the time when I was questioning if I did the right thing your simple act of thoughtfulness gave me strength and reminded me that I was not alone. Words can not express how thankful I am for you and your heart. Thank you for being a light in a very dark room...

Joy...

How often do you hear people say, "Megan is so full of joy"? It's more like, "Megan seems so happy". That's because happiness and joy are two different things, and more often we see people temporarily happy, rather than consistently filled with joy. Happiness is more like a mood, meaning it can change at any given moment. It is our fleshly nature that we are happy when things are going our way and if they are not, then our flesh will surely show it. It’s temporary. Joy is much more than just a feeling. It is possessing great delight and gladness. I want internal joy, not external happiness. How about you?


The Bible is always making mention of being full of joy. Even, having abundance of joy and having fullness of joy. That gives me the impression that we can have joy that is complete and be filled to capacity with it. Have you ever had all the joy that you can hold, with room for nothing else? When the enemy throws his fiery darts at you or life’s circumstances try you, the joy you have produced will not allow these things to weigh on your emotions, or allow you to be filled with worry, doubt or fear...


So, how do we produce joy in our lives? You have joy unspeakable in the presence of the Father. That is, having joy on a level that is unable to be explained. That is the kind of joy that the world and the temporary things of this world cannot offer you. "You will show me the path of life: in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Psalm 16:11)." You can get in the presence of God by praising Him. The Word of God teaches us that God inhabits our praise. (Psalm 22:3). When you praise God, He is present. If you don’t know how to praise Him, the Bible even tells us how to praise God- just read Psalm 149. So, there is no excuse- if you want joy- there are detailed instructions on how to get it. Pursue it and use your joy as a witness of what God can produce in your life!


So after all of that let me explain something. I have been trying to look at my life and see why this past year has been so up and down…and why I have not been able to find Joy. So I did some reading and studying trying to find out what real Joy is and how I can find a way to bring Joy back into my life. And after this weekend I was able to find Joy again... and it was just as the word said it would be...I found joy when I was praising God...

This week has been one of those weeks that I wish I could just forget, but at the same time I have gone through things this week that I know have taught me life lessons that I am sure I will not forget anytime in the near future. I need to just lower my head, humbly fall to the floor and allow God to bring me through this point in my life that he has brought me to… I was told by someone today that not many people will have to go through what I have gone through this week and I don’t know whether or not that is a good thing or not. Part of me is thinking, God what are you stinkin crazy? There is no way I can handle all this, what in the world do you think you are doing…? And then the other part of me is thinking, thank you God for putting me in this place…I know that you would not have put me in this place if you knew I could not handle it…Thank you for giving me the courage to follow my heart even though people who I thought would walk alongside me during this have left me…

The emotions of this week have been at a level that I have never felt before. Reliving my past as I try to push through the present is something that I never thought I would have to do. But even as I had the privilege of dealing with all this “stuff” all at once I knew/know that this to shall pass. Just as my past passed my present will pass as well and the issues and events of this week will be something that I can look back on and learn and grow from. Hoping that I can use what I went through this week to help someone else when God brings them to a cross road in there life.

Throughout this week I talked to God a lot asking him questions like…
What are you doing?
Are you for real?
Why me…?
What did I do?
Are you there?
How come I can’t feel you?
Why is this so painful…?
Didn’t I go through enough of this as a kid?
Am I alone?
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I a failure?
Where do I go from here?
Was what I did wrong?
Are you listening to me!?
Are you sure you know what you are doing?
Can you handle my future?
How come I can’t hear you?
…………………………….

Throughout this week God talked to me reminding me that…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…
I know…
It’s okay to not know…
It’s okay to cry…
You need to trust…
I am bigger then you…
This may be hard for you but this is way bigger then you…
I have control of your future there is no need to worry…
I love you...
You are beautiful when you are broken…
…………………………………………...


I have been listening to this song over and over again. It has helped me to remember that even though this week was the hardest week that I have ever had, that what I am going through will pass. :o)


Dream Big
When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,'Cause better days are sure to come.And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,And don't let them know that they have won.And when you walk, walk with pride, And don't show the hurt inside,Because the pain will soon be gone.

And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,'Cause it will carry all your cares away. And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,And it will help you feel okay. And when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on,But when the troubles come your way.

And when you dream, dream big,As big as the ocean, blue.'Cause when you dream it might come true.But when you dream, dream big.

I want to seek you with reckless abandonment...
I want to love you even when I am not content...
I want to fall at your feet and feel your mercy's flow...
I want to be everything you want and more…
I want to know that everything is going to be okay…
I want to rest in your loving arms...

To my king who finds me in my brokenness…

In My Quiet Place...

So as of lately I have been trying to find God in the things around in me. I have been trying to put myself in situations where I am forced to not focus on what is going on with me but I am able to love and care for what is going on around me. However during this time I have also noticed a lot about who I am and what makes me do some of the things I do. I do some of the things I do to avoid the things I don’t want to deal with. I have been trying to focus on others so I would not have to focus on myself and the things that I am needing to work through. Now I am not saying that I am only loving and caring for other people because I don’t want to deal with what is going on with me that is not true at all because I truly have a passion to love and care for others. However while I was trying to find God in the things around me He was trying to meet with me…
I however was to busy looking for Him to even see Him.

This is when I learned that…

I have to have my quiet place…but more importantly I have to invite God to my quiet place. I have to be willing to stop and allow God to meet me where I am at even if I have no idea where I am. I have to be willing to just be, knowing that I don’t always have to look for God because He is always there even if I don't feel or see Him.

All over the stinkin place...BUT

Bless the one who patiently
Endures the Lords testing
Bless the one who perseveres
When all we want to do is be resting…

He really knows what’s going on
It’s all part of his plan
And all that you need to do is just grab hold of his hand

He wants to love you unconditionally
He wants to be the only one you see
Heal your hurting heart
Every broken part
Ever last inch of you…

When trials are upon you
Let them be an opportunity
To tell Satan that he won’t win
So he minus well stop tryin

God has your back
And even though it’s hard
You don’t want to give in
And let Satan win…

I was trying to figure out what to blog about because I don’t really feel like I have my thoughts put together enough to make sense out of them so I sat down with my guitar and this is the blog you get. This blog is a song that I have written… I find that when I write music that my songs become my prayer to God. So as I am sure you think that by the way this song is written that I know what I need to do, that may be true but sometimes its hard to connect all the head knowledge to your heart. So I will end up singing this song over and over to God in hopes that the head knowledge that came out in this song would soon become my heart knowledge as well.

Back to The Basics

This weekend gave me time to think…hmmm sometimes that is not such a good thing but what happened this weekend truly was a good thing. Lately I have been overwhelmed with life. Not wanting to be uncomfortable and not seeing God in the things that were happening around me. But this weekend made me stop…



Listen






Cry







See






This weekend God made sure that I noticed what REALLY was going on in my life. Throughout the past couple months I have been so overwhelmed by what has been taking place in my life that I have neglected to see Him in my life. I wake up in the morning thanking God for my life but then stick my feet on the floor dreading what lies ahead. This weekend brought me back to the basics. Where instead of being overwhelmed by what was taking place in my life I was able to be overwhelmed by what was in my life…and this weekend was the first weekend that I was able to see God in my life.

In the conversation…
In the sunset…
In the silence…
In the tears…
In the music…
In the people…
In the sky…
In the church…
In the time or lack of time…
In the realness…
In the kids…

Thank you God for bringing me back to the basics this weekend and allowing me to not be overwhelmed by what is taking place in my life but giving me the opportunity to be overwhelmed by what is in my life.

Family...

This past weekend gave me some time to really think about what family ment to me. I have been having a hard time trying to figure out what family is and how family's are suppose to treat each other, but this weekend things became much clearer.

A family can be a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals. Which to me means a lot. It means I really do have a family who cares about me. You see my blood family causes more pain and tears then they do joyful happy moments and it made me think that if that is what a famliy is then I DON'T WANT IT. So when I found out that your family does not have to be blood related it gave my heart hope...

It gave my heart hope in the word Family...

* a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals.

FAMILY....


What is Family and what role are they suppose to play in your life?







This Blog will be finished at a later time...this is just something that I have been thinking about a lot.

Please Be Patient with Me

As I was driving in the car tonight I was listening to the radio and I heard a song. Now I don’t really know what this song was about but five words in this song spoke to me…Please Be Patient With Me… I feel like I just keep going to God telling Him that I am lost and hurting. That sometimes I wake up and try to give all my worries, cares and concerns away and I think that I succeeded but that night my heart is heavy again and I cry out to God yet again. So as I was listening to this song on the radio tonight those five words became my prayer to God…
God Please be patient with me as I fall on my face everyday. Please be patient with me as I struggle to believe in myself. God please be patient with me as I try to figure out what your will is for my life. God please be patient with me as I can’t find joy right now. God please be patient with me as I try to make the right choices in life. Please be patient with me as I question your plan for my life. God please be patient with me as I wonder through this life. Please be patient with me as I feel alone even though I know you are here. God please be patient with me for my thoughts doubt you…



God Please Just Be Patient With Me!


Though I question, wonder and wander I know your there!

Words

This is going to be a quick blog... I just wanted to get my feelings out a little. Last night I had the chance to talk to someone who on most occasions I enjoy talking to. But last night was different. Last night the words of this person cut right to my heart. The words she spoke were not that of encouragement they were words of self greed. Her words brought tears to my eyes and doubt to my heart. I feel like God has brought me to this point of my face being on the ground and when I think I am just starting to pick myself up off the ground someone comes and pushes me down to the ground again. God it is my simple prayer that you would take my heart and fill it with your words and give me the strength to take the words that were spoken to me and put them behind me…

Beautiful Mess...

Let me first start out by say this blog is dedicated to a really good friend of mine. Sometimes I feel the words I want to tell you don’t come out the way I want them to so I thought that maybe if I wrote them down they might sound a little better.

The Definition of Beautiful is: having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind. And the definition of Mess is: a state of embarrassing confusion or an unpleasant or difficult situation. Now let me just tell you how these two words go together at a time like this.

I have this friend who is amazing. Her heart is pure and honest. She has a personality that can light up a room. Her passion to serve and honor her Heavenly Father is something that I strive to have. She has taught me what it means to be transparent. She is someone who knows what it means to not have it altogether. She is someone who may cry herself to sleep at night but would be there for you on that same night if you needed to cry yourself to sleep. She is real. She has a heart to serve and to love people. She makes me want to be a better person. She is someone who will not pass judgment on someone. She is someone who I can cry with and laugh with… (Can we say hairy men from AFV) She is someone I can be myself around. She is someone who will listen and she is someone who will think for me when my thoughts may be a little off base. :o) She loves selflessly and gives of herself. She is truly BEAUTIFUL!

Now let’s talk about this Mess, this state of embarrassing confusion and the unpleasant and difficult situations that we face. Life can be hard, down right messy at times! You can know what you want to do one minute and then have no idea the next minute. You have dead lines, pressure, people to impress, bills to pay, people to stay connected with, a family to stay connected with, bitterness, worries, doubt, fear … You question yourself. You ask questions like, where did I go wrong? Am I good enough to do anything? Why am I not where I wanted to be at this time in my life? Does God really care? What will people think if they really know how I am doing? Why don’t I have my life figured out? What is the right next step? What will happen if I let my guard down? You are in a state of confusion. Life throws all this at you and when it hits you all at once you have a MESS. You have a situation that is uncomfortable and embarrassing because you think that you should have it all together. Well let me just say that if this is you its okay.

My Friend it is okay. You my dear are a BEAUTIFUL MESS! Though you may not have it altogether you have a foundation that can not be taken from you. Though you may walk through today with questions of doubt and uncertainty about tomorrow know that you are never alone. Sometimes we feel afraid, lonely, confused and helpless but rest assured that you are not alone. Though your world may be spinning know that I will be a hand for you to hold when you get dizzy. Know that even if you have no idea what you are doing or where you are going I love you and I believe in you. You are a strong and beautiful women. Sometimes God puts us is seasons like this so he can rip us down and build us up again. I guess you could say its the way that we mend. My heart is filled with care and compassion for you. I pray that even though you question, doubt, wonder, worry, fear, cry… that you would know that God is in control. And I know that that statement is kind of obvious but I know that for me sometimes it helps to have the things that are obvious pointed out again. You are a great friend and even though you may feel like you are a mess right now know that you are a beautiful mess.

Some of the pictures in the the slide show you have seen before. I really just liked the song and wanted you to hear it .

After His Hand or Face?...

I have been reading this book and it brought about a point that I felt really hit home. It talks about how so often we seek God's hand instead of His Face. We seek what he could do for us and not what he has already done for us. Now at first I just shrugged this off but the more I got to thinking about it the more I came to see what it was trying to point out. When I pray I pray wanting God to help someone, heal someone, guide me, break me, restore me… which is fine but it made me think when was the last time I prayed to God and really wanted His will to be done, where I was not praying with some preconceived notion of how I wanted the prayer to be answered, where His will was enough for me to be satisfied…


It’s been awhile I think I’m going to give it a try tonight.

Just another Sunday right....I don't think so

So it’s a Sunday and that means its time to go to church… Well let me just tell you about my journey to church today…Well there was no journey at first. I am so tired of trying out churches and having to leave the church feeling worse then when I got there. Church is suppose to up lift me and make me feel like I can make it through the week cause God is on my side. And people are suppose to come up to me and shake my hand and I am suppose to leave feeling all happy and filled with warm fuzzy’s inside. Well that’s not what happens when I go to church. I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy when I go to church. SO this morning when I was getting ready for church I made the decision NOT to go to church…that’s right I said it I did NOT go to church. OOHH KNOW everyone pray for me I might be going to hell because I did not go to church today…OH PLEASE!!

Now let me tell you what happened instead of me going to church. I got in my car and drove and drove and drove. And during that time I fell even more in love with our Heavenly Father. I was able to drive down completely abandoned roads with the river on my left and see God in His creation. At one time on my drive I was able to look out my window and see that the river had reseeded so much that the roots of the trees where not covered by water and it made me think…”Look at those trees standing so tall and strong even though it is so cold outside and there roots are not being covered by the protection of the water. I wonder how they are able to withstand the elements.” After pondering that thought for a while it occurred to me that the reason the tree can stand so tall and strong is because it is growing on a firm foundation. Though the circumstances that surround the tree may change and the elements that the tree endures may penetrate the roots and the bark the tree is still able to stand tall and strong because of the foundation it grows upon. I feel like the tree is me right now. My circumstances whether it be my location, my lack of a church, fear, doubt, lack of a network, lack of fellowship, working through my past, pushing through my present, my future, soul searching, trying to be transparent and yet not scare people away…whatever it may be these circumstances just like the trees circumstances can make or break you…However just as the tree stands tall so do I. My foundation does not change even though the elements and circumstances around me may. Now I will be the first to admit that I may have a few broken branches and my roots may feel exposed however I don’t think that there is any element or circumstance that can rip me from my foundation. MY FOUNDATION IS CHRIST…

So I did not go to church this morning but I met with God or should I say that He met with me!


Now there is more to this wonderful Sunday because after the drive I was able to have a conversation with a very wise woman. I was able to ask her tough questions and get real answers. I asked her what she thought about not going to church. I told her that I felt worse after going to church then I did not going. And it was not like I was missing out of the fellowship because no one talked to me anyways. She said something to me that I don’t think I will ever forget. “You are not going to church to socialize you are going to church to worship your Father. You need to not go to church with the idea of what are you going to get out of this service but you have to go with the mindset of what can you give during the service. And you can give your heart…” YUP not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. So needled to say I went to a new church tonight and I gave God my heart. It may be scratched and broken but I gave it to Him…

I know as I envision Your never ending power Your splendor is more Than I can imagine I’ve heard of Your perfections But I’ve been blind to You Open my eyes Open my ears Open my heart Unveil my eyes So I can see Your glory Unveil my eyes So I can know You’re here You’re here Your love, it overtakes me And makes me who I am As I am undone In light of Your glory Take apart this world That I have made Make this heart aware Of more than me Reveal to me the depths Of who You are And come and teach me like a child To trust Your heart

I have been thinking about a lot lately… and by a lot I mean my future. Where I will be, what the pathway there will look like, who will I meet, will I be good enough, why am I doubting, I’m not going to be like this forever…am I…, is God still in control, does anyone believe in me, am I doing the right thing, why am I so scarred… A lot see!
Well I have not come up with any miraculous conclusion or answer but I can tell you this. And I know that what I am about to say is mundane but I have to tell myself this otherwise I forget and I get stuck in a rut and I don’t want to be in a rut I want to be moving forward, persevering pressing on toward the goal so here it goes…

It does not matter where I will be, what the pathway looks like or who I will meet! I am good enough I just need to let go and let God! Letting go and letting God will also help with the whole doubting thing. Who cares if you are going to be like this forever! Yeah it may suck but nothing great ever came without endurance so SUCK IT UP DIANE. GOD IS IN CONTROL GET OUT OF THE WAY! As for anyone believing in me well that I guess just comes with trusting that Gods plan for me is great and I need to let go of myself. I need to start taking the I out of sentences and trust that it is not about me and that my goals and dreams may be different then His goals and dreams for my life, and I should just be happy to even have the opportunity to be a part of His plan…

Yuck…

Well that was hard to hear…

I am at no point right now in my life to take what I just said and feel great…in fact it makes me feel pretty crappy. I wish I could say that after this little pep talk I just gave myself that my life is back on track and that I am not going to question God anymore and I am not going to wonder but I would be lying. However I know that even though I don’t feel great about the pep talk I just gave myself I know that there is truth in what I just said. And even though it’s hard to hear and it’s not what I want to hear I know that it is truth and the truth will set me free…

A blizzard...

So this weekend of rejuvenation was a blizzard. Now there are different definitions of what a blizzard is so let me define them for you. The first definition is “a series of unexpected and unpleasant occurrences.” The second definition is “a storm with widespread snowfall accompanied by strong winds.” Now my weekend had a little of both of these. Let’s start with the first definition of the word blizzard, a series of unexpected and unpleasant occurrences; this weekend was filled with unexpected and unpleasant occurrences. We can start with the fact that I have come to grips with the fact that God has brought me to a point of unhappiness, a point of brokenness, a point of tears, and that was made very clear this weekend when at a time where I should have been filled with joy I could not hold my tears back. They overflowed the way I one day hope and pray that joy will overflow from me again. Anger came during a time where I thought there could only be happiness. Feelings that I did not even know I had came out of no where. Tears filled my eyes and sorrow overflowed my heart. Why? I do not know but I know that God is in control and that even though I don’t know why I had those feelings I know that I can ask God to take those feelings and not allow them to run my life. God gives us feelings for a reason however it is up to us what we do with those feelings. We can either take those feelings and let them run our life or we can surrender our feelings and let God run our life. NOW I am at a point where sometimes I think it would just be easier to let my feelings run my life and put God on the back burner for awhile however nothing in life comes without much perseverance. SO I will continue to persevere through these blizzards of emotions knowing that God is in control and I just need to WAIT PAITENTLY!
Now onto the second definition of the word blizzard; “A storm with widespread snowfall accompanied by strong winds.” Let me just tell you living in Wisconsin you truly get the full effect of the winter season. One day it can be sunny and beautiful and the next day you can wake up to rain which soon turns to snow which soon turns into inches of accumulation on top of EVERYTHING. But thanks to this blizzard I was able to spend some time with some friends and see God in the little things of life. Because even though at times I feel like I am living in a blizzard it takes days like yesterday to remind us of how wonderful our God really is.

Ready for a weekend of rejuvenation...

Tears...

So today when I was at church my eyes filled with tears…this was not the first time this had happened in fact as of lately I had found myself crying in church, in the car on the way to work, and after hanging out with people. This made me think… I looked around church and saw people all around me but no one stopped to say hi or reach there hand out to welcome me. Maybe my eyes filled with tears because where at one time when I was in church I felt loved and welcomed and now when I am in church it reminds me of this season of loneliness I am going through. Maybe my eyes fill with tears in the car because even though I am moving I feel I am sitting in stillness, and the stillness is a constant reminder of the lack of movement taking place in my life right now when all I want to do is go and serve. Maybe my eyes fill with tears after I hangout with people because it breaks me up inside knowing that I am not being transparent. Maybe I cry because I long for people to really care, people who will love even when they see your ghosts. Maybe my eyes fill with tears because I am in a season of brokenness. A season where I am going to cry and no one may know. Maybe my eyes fill with tears because life is hard right now and I feel alone.

Heavenly Father,
Take my life and make it what you want it to be…

I say that with tears running down my face because right now I feel like running, running far away from you hoping that it would be much easier anywhere else but here. The pain I feel seems to hard to work through. My past seems to heavy, my ghost to scary and my faith to weak. Lord my life seems so complicated. My thoughts are all over the place. My heart cries for guidance, wisdom, meaning and purpose! My soul longs for a deep intimate connection with you but I feel my brokenness is getting in the way. I feel so low that at times I can not even muster up the strength to cry for help…I doubt…Please help me stand strong. Please help me hold your hand because right now my strength is weak and I fear that my grip will not hold. Lord I am low please lift me up...

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Faith is taking God at His Word...

I don't have it all together...should I?

At times I am so happy I think I will never be sad again. Other times I am so sad I think I will never be happy ever again...and then their are times when I feel nothing at all. But as strong and fluctuating as my feelings may be God's Word is...

• Truer than anything I feel
• Truer than anything I experience
• Truer than any circumstance I will ever face
• Truer than anything in the world

Why? Because heaven and earth will pass away, but God's Word will not!

So I don't have it all together and you know what who the crap cares...We are not suppose to live our lifes knowing what the next step should be we are suppose to take the next step and know that we are not walking alone..

Everything in my life may change but God's Word remains the same...

We have the Word on our side what more do we need?

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:26-28) The Message

Do we ever really know...

If God is there
If "this" is where we are suppose to be
What others really think of us
Who will treat us unfairly
How old we will live
Who are soul mate will be
What will make us laugh
What will make us cry
Who we have made an impact on
Where we will be in 2 months
If our car will start tomorrow :o)
If the people who say they care really do
That the people we love know that they are loved
If we will have enough...
Where our next step will be
What our next journey will in tail
How are actions affect others

You may know the answers to some of these questions but 9 times out of 10 you have not always known... There was/is a time in your life where you had to wonder you had to trust you had to give it away... Giving away the unknown why is it so hard...?

Simple Words Dig Deep...

So I had the day off today and I thought it would be a great time to do another post so here I am.
I was hanging out with a friend the other day when she said something that made me start thinking. We were talking about what our passions and dreams are and how we long to serve and love people. I had told her that I just want to go and do and I long to serve people and to love them and she said this one simple thing..."Then you have to be willing to take some steps..." WOW is that not true, how many of us want to go and do so much but are limited by what we think we can or can not do? I am in the process of training for a marathon however I am my biggest hurdle. I doubt and question if I can do it knowing that I can do it it is just going to be hard. It is the same way when we are talking about our hopes and dreams. We all have passions and dreams, we have them for a reason. It is not our job to doubt and question, it is our job to take steps of faith. To give up what is not ours to control. So thanks to a good friends simple words I will close my eyes say a prayer and take a step into the unknown knowing that I am not alone and even if I do fall or fail that I can hold my head high because at least I had the courage to take a step...

So here I go...

So here I am thinking that I would never be one of these people to be a "blogger" but here I am. I don't really know what I am doing...but isn't that true for every area of our life. We really have no idea what we are doing, we may think that we know what we are doing and why we are doing it but if you take the time to look are you sure you really know what is going on...? I am to that point in my life...what point you may ask...well its the point where I am okay with throwing my hands into the air and falling on my knees and shouting at the top of my lungs that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I have reached the point of admitting that I am not okay and that I am tired up putting up this front for people so they think that life is a cake walk. Life sucks right now! BUT that does not mean I am going to throw a pitty part for one and cry till all hours of the morning. It means that I am going to "take it up with the Lord". It means I am going to take the time to dig deep into myself and see what I need to do for me. I am going to STOP, LISTEN, and be okay with being STILL!! Though I hate it I am to that point...