I have been reading this book and it brought about a point that I felt really hit home. It talks about how so often we seek God's hand instead of His Face. We seek what he could do for us and not what he has already done for us. Now at first I just shrugged this off but the more I got to thinking about it the more I came to see what it was trying to point out. When I pray I pray wanting God to help someone, heal someone, guide me, break me, restore me… which is fine but it made me think when was the last time I prayed to God and really wanted His will to be done, where I was not praying with some preconceived notion of how I wanted the prayer to be answered, where His will was enough for me to be satisfied…
It’s been awhile I think I’m going to give it a try tonight.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Just another Sunday right....I don't think so
So it’s a Sunday and that means its time to go to church… Well let me just tell you about my journey to church today…Well there was no journey at first. I am so tired of trying out churches and having to leave the church feeling worse then when I got there. Church is suppose to up lift me and make me feel like I can make it through the week cause God is on my side. And people are suppose to come up to me and shake my hand and I am suppose to leave feeling all happy and filled with warm fuzzy’s inside. Well that’s not what happens when I go to church. I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy when I go to church. SO this morning when I was getting ready for church I made the decision NOT to go to church…that’s right I said it I did NOT go to church. OOHH KNOW everyone pray for me I might be going to hell because I did not go to church today…OH PLEASE!!
Now let me tell you what happened instead of me going to church. I got in my car and drove and drove and drove. And during that time I fell even more in love with our Heavenly Father. I was able to drive down completely abandoned roads with the river on my left and see God in His creation. At one time on my drive I was able to look out my window and see that the river had reseeded so much that the roots of the trees where not covered by water and it made me think…”Look at those trees standing so tall and strong even though it is so cold outside and there roots are not being covered by the protection of the water. I wonder how they are able to withstand the elements.” After pondering that thought for a while it occurred to me that the reason the tree can stand so tall and strong is because it is growing on a firm foundation. Though the circumstances that surround the tree may change and the elements that the tree endures may penetrate the roots and the bark the tree is still able to stand tall and strong because of the foundation it grows upon. I feel like the tree is me right now. My circumstances whether it be my location, my lack of a church, fear, doubt, lack of a network, lack of fellowship, working through my past, pushing through my present, my future, soul searching, trying to be transparent and yet not scare people away…whatever it may be these circumstances just like the trees circumstances can make or break you…However just as the tree stands tall so do I. My foundation does not change even though the elements and circumstances around me may. Now I will be the first to admit that I may have a few broken branches and my roots may feel exposed however I don’t think that there is any element or circumstance that can rip me from my foundation. MY FOUNDATION IS CHRIST…
So I did not go to church this morning but I met with God or should I say that He met with me!
Now there is more to this wonderful Sunday because after the drive I was able to have a conversation with a very wise woman. I was able to ask her tough questions and get real answers. I asked her what she thought about not going to church. I told her that I felt worse after going to church then I did not going. And it was not like I was missing out of the fellowship because no one talked to me anyways. She said something to me that I don’t think I will ever forget. “You are not going to church to socialize you are going to church to worship your Father. You need to not go to church with the idea of what are you going to get out of this service but you have to go with the mindset of what can you give during the service. And you can give your heart…” YUP not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. So needled to say I went to a new church tonight and I gave God my heart. It may be scratched and broken but I gave it to Him…
I know as I envision Your never ending power Your splendor is more Than I can imagine I’ve heard of Your perfections But I’ve been blind to You Open my eyes Open my ears Open my heart Unveil my eyes So I can see Your glory Unveil my eyes So I can know You’re here You’re here Your love, it overtakes me And makes me who I am As I am undone In light of Your glory Take apart this world That I have made Make this heart aware Of more than me Reveal to me the depths Of who You are And come and teach me like a child To trust Your heart
Now let me tell you what happened instead of me going to church. I got in my car and drove and drove and drove. And during that time I fell even more in love with our Heavenly Father. I was able to drive down completely abandoned roads with the river on my left and see God in His creation. At one time on my drive I was able to look out my window and see that the river had reseeded so much that the roots of the trees where not covered by water and it made me think…”Look at those trees standing so tall and strong even though it is so cold outside and there roots are not being covered by the protection of the water. I wonder how they are able to withstand the elements.” After pondering that thought for a while it occurred to me that the reason the tree can stand so tall and strong is because it is growing on a firm foundation. Though the circumstances that surround the tree may change and the elements that the tree endures may penetrate the roots and the bark the tree is still able to stand tall and strong because of the foundation it grows upon. I feel like the tree is me right now. My circumstances whether it be my location, my lack of a church, fear, doubt, lack of a network, lack of fellowship, working through my past, pushing through my present, my future, soul searching, trying to be transparent and yet not scare people away…whatever it may be these circumstances just like the trees circumstances can make or break you…However just as the tree stands tall so do I. My foundation does not change even though the elements and circumstances around me may. Now I will be the first to admit that I may have a few broken branches and my roots may feel exposed however I don’t think that there is any element or circumstance that can rip me from my foundation. MY FOUNDATION IS CHRIST…
So I did not go to church this morning but I met with God or should I say that He met with me!
Now there is more to this wonderful Sunday because after the drive I was able to have a conversation with a very wise woman. I was able to ask her tough questions and get real answers. I asked her what she thought about not going to church. I told her that I felt worse after going to church then I did not going. And it was not like I was missing out of the fellowship because no one talked to me anyways. She said something to me that I don’t think I will ever forget. “You are not going to church to socialize you are going to church to worship your Father. You need to not go to church with the idea of what are you going to get out of this service but you have to go with the mindset of what can you give during the service. And you can give your heart…” YUP not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. So needled to say I went to a new church tonight and I gave God my heart. It may be scratched and broken but I gave it to Him…
I know as I envision Your never ending power Your splendor is more Than I can imagine I’ve heard of Your perfections But I’ve been blind to You Open my eyes Open my ears Open my heart Unveil my eyes So I can see Your glory Unveil my eyes So I can know You’re here You’re here Your love, it overtakes me And makes me who I am As I am undone In light of Your glory Take apart this world That I have made Make this heart aware Of more than me Reveal to me the depths Of who You are And come and teach me like a child To trust Your heart
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I have been thinking about a lot lately… and by a lot I mean my future. Where I will be, what the pathway there will look like, who will I meet, will I be good enough, why am I doubting, I’m not going to be like this forever…am I…, is God still in control, does anyone believe in me, am I doing the right thing, why am I so scarred… A lot see!
Well I have not come up with any miraculous conclusion or answer but I can tell you this. And I know that what I am about to say is mundane but I have to tell myself this otherwise I forget and I get stuck in a rut and I don’t want to be in a rut I want to be moving forward, persevering pressing on toward the goal so here it goes…
It does not matter where I will be, what the pathway looks like or who I will meet! I am good enough I just need to let go and let God! Letting go and letting God will also help with the whole doubting thing. Who cares if you are going to be like this forever! Yeah it may suck but nothing great ever came without endurance so SUCK IT UP DIANE. GOD IS IN CONTROL GET OUT OF THE WAY! As for anyone believing in me well that I guess just comes with trusting that Gods plan for me is great and I need to let go of myself. I need to start taking the I out of sentences and trust that it is not about me and that my goals and dreams may be different then His goals and dreams for my life, and I should just be happy to even have the opportunity to be a part of His plan…
Yuck…
Well that was hard to hear…
I am at no point right now in my life to take what I just said and feel great…in fact it makes me feel pretty crappy. I wish I could say that after this little pep talk I just gave myself that my life is back on track and that I am not going to question God anymore and I am not going to wonder but I would be lying. However I know that even though I don’t feel great about the pep talk I just gave myself I know that there is truth in what I just said. And even though it’s hard to hear and it’s not what I want to hear I know that it is truth and the truth will set me free…
Well I have not come up with any miraculous conclusion or answer but I can tell you this. And I know that what I am about to say is mundane but I have to tell myself this otherwise I forget and I get stuck in a rut and I don’t want to be in a rut I want to be moving forward, persevering pressing on toward the goal so here it goes…
It does not matter where I will be, what the pathway looks like or who I will meet! I am good enough I just need to let go and let God! Letting go and letting God will also help with the whole doubting thing. Who cares if you are going to be like this forever! Yeah it may suck but nothing great ever came without endurance so SUCK IT UP DIANE. GOD IS IN CONTROL GET OUT OF THE WAY! As for anyone believing in me well that I guess just comes with trusting that Gods plan for me is great and I need to let go of myself. I need to start taking the I out of sentences and trust that it is not about me and that my goals and dreams may be different then His goals and dreams for my life, and I should just be happy to even have the opportunity to be a part of His plan…
Yuck…
Well that was hard to hear…
I am at no point right now in my life to take what I just said and feel great…in fact it makes me feel pretty crappy. I wish I could say that after this little pep talk I just gave myself that my life is back on track and that I am not going to question God anymore and I am not going to wonder but I would be lying. However I know that even though I don’t feel great about the pep talk I just gave myself I know that there is truth in what I just said. And even though it’s hard to hear and it’s not what I want to hear I know that it is truth and the truth will set me free…
Monday, February 18, 2008
A blizzard...
So this weekend of rejuvenation was a blizzard. Now there are different definitions of what a blizzard is so let me define them for you. The first definition is “a series of unexpected and unpleasant occurrences.” The second definition is “a storm with widespread snowfall accompanied by strong winds.” Now my weekend had a little of both of these. Let’s start with the first definition of the word blizzard, a series of unexpected and unpleasant occurrences; this weekend was filled with unexpected and unpleasant occurrences. We can start with the fact that I have come to grips with the fact that God has brought me to a point of unhappiness, a point of brokenness, a point of tears, and that was made very clear this weekend when at a time where I should have been filled with joy I could not hold my tears back. They overflowed the way I one day hope and pray that joy will overflow from me again. Anger came during a time where I thought there could only be happiness. Feelings that I did not even know I had came out of no where. Tears filled my eyes and sorrow overflowed my heart. Why? I do not know but I know that God is in control and that even though I don’t know why I had those feelings I know that I can ask God to take those feelings and not allow them to run my life. God gives us feelings for a reason however it is up to us what we do with those feelings. We can either take those feelings and let them run our life or we can surrender our feelings and let God run our life. NOW I am at a point where sometimes I think it would just be easier to let my feelings run my life and put God on the back burner for awhile however nothing in life comes without much perseverance. SO I will continue to persevere through these blizzards of emotions knowing that God is in control and I just need to WAIT PAITENTLY!
Now onto the second definition of the word blizzard; “A storm with widespread snowfall accompanied by strong winds.” Let me just tell you living in Wisconsin you truly get the full effect of the winter season. One day it can be sunny and beautiful and the next day you can wake up to rain which soon turns to snow which soon turns into inches of accumulation on top of EVERYTHING. But thanks to this blizzard I was able to spend some time with some friends and see God in the little things of life. Because even though at times I feel like I am living in a blizzard it takes days like yesterday to remind us of how wonderful our God really is.
Now onto the second definition of the word blizzard; “A storm with widespread snowfall accompanied by strong winds.” Let me just tell you living in Wisconsin you truly get the full effect of the winter season. One day it can be sunny and beautiful and the next day you can wake up to rain which soon turns to snow which soon turns into inches of accumulation on top of EVERYTHING. But thanks to this blizzard I was able to spend some time with some friends and see God in the little things of life. Because even though at times I feel like I am living in a blizzard it takes days like yesterday to remind us of how wonderful our God really is.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Tears...
So today when I was at church my eyes filled with tears…this was not the first time this had happened in fact as of lately I had found myself crying in church, in the car on the way to work, and after hanging out with people. This made me think… I looked around church and saw people all around me but no one stopped to say hi or reach there hand out to welcome me. Maybe my eyes filled with tears because where at one time when I was in church I felt loved and welcomed and now when I am in church it reminds me of this season of loneliness I am going through. Maybe my eyes fill with tears in the car because even though I am moving I feel I am sitting in stillness, and the stillness is a constant reminder of the lack of movement taking place in my life right now when all I want to do is go and serve. Maybe my eyes fill with tears after I hangout with people because it breaks me up inside knowing that I am not being transparent. Maybe I cry because I long for people to really care, people who will love even when they see your ghosts. Maybe my eyes fill with tears because I am in a season of brokenness. A season where I am going to cry and no one may know. Maybe my eyes fill with tears because life is hard right now and I feel alone.
Heavenly Father,
Take my life and make it what you want it to be…
I say that with tears running down my face because right now I feel like running, running far away from you hoping that it would be much easier anywhere else but here. The pain I feel seems to hard to work through. My past seems to heavy, my ghost to scary and my faith to weak. Lord my life seems so complicated. My thoughts are all over the place. My heart cries for guidance, wisdom, meaning and purpose! My soul longs for a deep intimate connection with you but I feel my brokenness is getting in the way. I feel so low that at times I can not even muster up the strength to cry for help…I doubt…Please help me stand strong. Please help me hold your hand because right now my strength is weak and I fear that my grip will not hold. Lord I am low please lift me up...
Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Heavenly Father,
Take my life and make it what you want it to be…
I say that with tears running down my face because right now I feel like running, running far away from you hoping that it would be much easier anywhere else but here. The pain I feel seems to hard to work through. My past seems to heavy, my ghost to scary and my faith to weak. Lord my life seems so complicated. My thoughts are all over the place. My heart cries for guidance, wisdom, meaning and purpose! My soul longs for a deep intimate connection with you but I feel my brokenness is getting in the way. I feel so low that at times I can not even muster up the strength to cry for help…I doubt…Please help me stand strong. Please help me hold your hand because right now my strength is weak and I fear that my grip will not hold. Lord I am low please lift me up...
Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Faith is taking God at His Word...
I don't have it all together...should I?
At times I am so happy I think I will never be sad again. Other times I am so sad I think I will never be happy ever again...and then their are times when I feel nothing at all. But as strong and fluctuating as my feelings may be God's Word is...
- Truer than anything I feel
- Truer than anything I experience
- Truer than any circumstance I will ever face
- Truer than anything in the world
Why? Because heaven and earth will pass away, but God's Word will not!
So I don't have it all together and you know what who the crap cares...We are not suppose to live our lifes knowing what the next step should be we are suppose to take the next step and know that we are not walking alone..
Everything in my life may change but God's Word remains the same...
We have the Word on our side what more do we need?
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:26-28) The Message
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