Tears...

So today when I was at church my eyes filled with tears…this was not the first time this had happened in fact as of lately I had found myself crying in church, in the car on the way to work, and after hanging out with people. This made me think… I looked around church and saw people all around me but no one stopped to say hi or reach there hand out to welcome me. Maybe my eyes filled with tears because where at one time when I was in church I felt loved and welcomed and now when I am in church it reminds me of this season of loneliness I am going through. Maybe my eyes fill with tears in the car because even though I am moving I feel I am sitting in stillness, and the stillness is a constant reminder of the lack of movement taking place in my life right now when all I want to do is go and serve. Maybe my eyes fill with tears after I hangout with people because it breaks me up inside knowing that I am not being transparent. Maybe I cry because I long for people to really care, people who will love even when they see your ghosts. Maybe my eyes fill with tears because I am in a season of brokenness. A season where I am going to cry and no one may know. Maybe my eyes fill with tears because life is hard right now and I feel alone.

Heavenly Father,
Take my life and make it what you want it to be…

I say that with tears running down my face because right now I feel like running, running far away from you hoping that it would be much easier anywhere else but here. The pain I feel seems to hard to work through. My past seems to heavy, my ghost to scary and my faith to weak. Lord my life seems so complicated. My thoughts are all over the place. My heart cries for guidance, wisdom, meaning and purpose! My soul longs for a deep intimate connection with you but I feel my brokenness is getting in the way. I feel so low that at times I can not even muster up the strength to cry for help…I doubt…Please help me stand strong. Please help me hold your hand because right now my strength is weak and I fear that my grip will not hold. Lord I am low please lift me up...

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.