So as I was thinking about what to blog about I honestly came up with nothing…because honestly I feel like I have so much going on that I don’t even know where to start. My world has gone from uncomplicated to complicated in just a few weeks… If this is Gods way of refining me in the fire he can take me out anytime now… From dealing with the past to pushing through the present these past couple of weeks can be summed up in one simple little word, HARD. When I think about how people say that God holds every tear that you cry part of me is thinking honestly God isn’t your container getting full yet… How can I take care of the past when I am having a hard time pushing through the present? I can not even put my finger on all the emotions I am feeling and when I try I end up falling to my knees with tears running down my face, and as of lately I have not even had time to fall to my knees my face just ends up resting on the steering wheel of the car with tears flowing out… Uncertain…I am…Confused… I am…Scarred… I am… Unconfident… I am… Unsure…I am…Doubtful… I am… Hesitant…I am …

Oh the Joys!!

This blog is just a little comic relief for my roomie and me :)… So I was thinking today about how lucky we really are to have the AMAZING people we have living above us. I mean honestly just think about it…we are going to be pro’s at Tetris after mastering how to fit our cars into the parking lot that we have seemed to of acquired… So much for a driveway right :) And also just think about this… We don’t need to have pets of our own because our neighbors cat seems to love us enough so sing us to sleep every night…meow meow meow. And how great is it that the friendly feline keeps us company on our front porch :). Oh and we can’t forget the fact that we don’t really need to get to know our neighbors because we can learn everything about them by just sitting in our place and hearing their conversations through the floor…”ohh how was your day at school Eric…?” “It was great I fell asleep in political science Jacky…” See what more would you want to know. Also we can’t forget about the fact that we have to keep our eyes on the police report section of the paper so we can find out just exactly why our neighbor was walked to a squad car in hand cuffs right outside our house. Whoever said living next to the police department is safe!...DO YOU SMELL GAS…cause I smell gas and I am not talking about the kind of gas that happens when you eat to many beans!! Sarah do you know what time the baby next store wakes up in the morning??? Ohh and by the way what is their morning routine?!?! :) Roomie did you hear the neighbors move in their washer and drier last night…? I DID… and…YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! :) And we can’t forget the fact that Barak is living above us!! Well dear I hope this made you laugh and I thought I would put a little humor to all the “stuff” going on in, and around, and above our home… Here birdie birdie birdie!!! And one more thing…Would you please park in the garage tonight because I don’t want to worry about dodging those bats in our garage :)!!

LORD I NEED YOU!

I found out this morning that I will be going to another funeral this weekend… My best friend from high school called me crying and I had to do whatever I could to stay strong for her. Pain, fear, hurt, sorrow, questions…all these emotions are pouring out of my pores. The core of my heart is crying out “Lord I need you…” I need you because I don’t have answers for the ones I love… “Lord I need you…” Because my strength is not able to withstand the pressure I am feeling… “Lord I need you...” Because I can’t keep going through this and acting like I have it all together… “Lord I need you…” Because without you I know I am nothing even though right now I want to push you away… LORD I NEED YOU!

How do you love through the hurt…How do you smile through the pain…How do you lead with a limp…How do you answer tough questions when you don’t know the answers… How do you love life but at the same time hate it…How do you heal…

Lord I need you… I am going to be at a place this weekend where I never thought I would be. I don’t even know what to say or what to do. How do I love the ones I love and let them know that this is all happening for a reason… I can just imagine… “I am so sorry for your loss but its in Gods hands and everything is going to be alright” BARFFF How do you let an unbelieving family know that God is in control of such an awful situation? I am NOT going to tell them that God is in control because I am a believer and during a time like this I don’t even want to hear this. Though in my heart I know it is true I still struggle with understanding the why…

So as I close this blog my thoughts are all over the place and my heart at times feels so heavy with pain. I need to remember that I am still happy and my strength still comes from something greater then me. I guess you could say that though the situations in life right now is not ideal that in my fathers arms I will rest, simply saying with as much strength as I can…”Lord I need you…”

Why...

As I sit here and think about all the different thoughts going through my head one of the first things that comes to my mind is WHY GOD… why do people that love you and people that are there for you die…I feel like part of me should not be asking that question…I should know the answer…RIGHT??... However it does not take away the hurt…I have to go to a funeral tomorrow of a dear dear friend…a funeral of someone who loved me when everyone else turned there back on me…a friend who may have been 50 years older then me but she saw the good in me when my family turned their back on me…she loved me through my rebellious teenage years. She took me under her wing and encouraged me to persevere even though at times in my life at that age I did not want to. Why God do we have to say good bye… why does it hurt… why are there tears… why do we let people into our lives only to have to let them go…why…

SO many thoughts…pretty sure I just got off the phone with my family and no one wanted to talk to me…tears…

My heart is filled with thoughts right now that I don’t know how to put into words…thoughts of joy and sorrow…thoughts of wonder and worry…thoughts of praise and doubt…thoughts of longing and living in the moment… My thoughts are empty, raw, heartless, hopeful, naked, bitter, happy, sad, real…There is something about where I am in life right now that keeps me on the tip of my toes…just when I feel like life is going great God puts a gentle reminder in my way…Simply saying “come away with me child…I am not done yet.”

John 10:10

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10 (NKJV)

Do you ever question if you are good enough? I do – I have all my life. Do you dwell more on what's wrong with you than what's right with you? I do that a lot too.

However, latley I realized that I was the only one surveying myself to get those answers. Well, myself with a little help from my enemy, Satan. For a long time I didn't even recognize him for who he was. My negative thoughts and deceitful suggestions just sounded like my own voice.

The Bible opens with the warning of a serpent slithering into the lives of Adam and Eve, filling their heads with lies that separated them from God. They chose to believe the lies. Jesus, too, was tempted by this liar. He was ready though. He knew the Word of God and that was the only weapon He needed to defeat the evil one.

I know I’m not Jesus, but I can strive to be like Him. I find great comfort in knowing He is with me every step of the way. I can also find great comfort knowing I have the same weapon that He had. I have God's Word available to me in the Bible.

When I compared my negative thoughts to God's Word, I was amazed at the differences:

My thoughts tell me to give up.God's Word tells me to be committed. Matthew 5:33-37

My thoughts tell me “I need it now!”God's Word tells me to exercise self-control. Galatians 5:23

My thoughts tell me I deserve to come first, be selfish.God's Word tells me to have humility and put others first. Philippians 2:3-4

My thoughts tell to get mad and hold a grudge.God's Word says forgive as many times as it takes. Matthew 18:21-22

My thoughts tell me to seek revenge.God's Word tells me to be a peacemaker. Romans 12:18-19

My thoughts tell me take all the credit.God's Word tells me to glorify Jesus Christ. John 17:5

My thoughts tell me I need to look good on the outside and no one will notice the ugly inside. God's Word tells me to be pure on the inside and the outside won't even matter. Proverbs 31:30

My thoughts tell me I'm ugly. God's Word tells me I'm wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

My thoughts tell me I'm all alone and no one understands me. God's Word tells me He will never leave me He knows the plans He has for me. Deuteronomy 31:6, Jeremiah 29:11

My thoughts tell me that I'm just not good enough. God's Word tells me that I'm His gift to the world and that I was created in His image. Psalm 127:3, Genesis 1:26

I am learning that the lies must be replaced with Words that are true. That way, when Satan’s lies slither back into my head, I'm ready and I can defeat the enemy.
I admit this has been a challenge for me. I'm so thankful that: I have friends in place who know I struggle with this to remind me of my true identity; I was brave enough to seek counseling when I needed help; I learned that anxiety and depression were not always my fault. I am thankful for those who stood beside me even when I was miserable to be around; each time I felt like quitting or giving up, I never did.
I don't want to waste time that God has given me to live with negative thoughts about myself and lies that aren't true. That only keeps me from Him and keeps me from the work He has purposed me for. Evaluate your thoughts. Condemning thoughts are not from God. Renew your mind with the Word of God. Do not allow the enemy to separate you from the love of God and the life that was meant for you.

A reminder to me...

I remember hearing once that every step we take is a little act of faith.
Every time we lift a foot from the ground, we fall a little … and we have faith that our other foot knows what to do to prevent catastrophe.
We have faith that each time we lift one foot and start falling to the ground, that our other foot will automatically take up the slack and keep us from landing with a thud.
We don’t know for sure that the other foot will come through for us every time. Occasionally that foot betrays us and we wind up sprawled on a sidewalk somewhere.
But we have enough faith in the process to not fear that every step we take may lead to an embarrassing and painful spill.
It’s not really the foot we have faith in, or the leg, or the part of the brain that controls the walking process … it’s ourselves we have faith in.
Do you know what stops most of us from accomplishing our dreams? Ourselves. (I stop myself!)
We are all self-sabotagers. We don’t mean to be. We just don’t know any better.
Every time we say, "I’ll never …" or "I can’t …" we are telling the whole world that we can’t accomplish what we think we really want to accomplish.
We are doubting ourselves. We are making excuses. We are listening to that part of our brain that likes to mess with us.
Life is not a soap opera or a drama.
No one is throwing obstacles in our way except for us.
There is not some grand scheme fabricated up by bad guys to derail us from our greatest desires.
If there is some villain who haunts your every move, following you around and crushing all of your hopes and dreams … you should write a book about it and make millions from it.
Odds are that is not what’s happening in your life or mine to keep you from your goals.
Blaming others and making excuses for our own failures is just a cop out. It’s easy to place blame on everyone around us. It’s too easy, because it almost always seems rational and justified. The problem is that to truly find the reason behind mistakes in your life, or obstacles that you cannot seem to overcome is to look inside.
YOU are the only one in control of your life. If you don’t like something, only you can change it. You can’t sit around waiting for other people to change so that they can make you happy. It ain’t gonna happen. You need to take control of your own dreams and your own happiness.
It can’t always be – not enough money – not enough time – not enough love … Or – if only I had money – if only I were married – if only I were thinner – if only I had a better job …
THEN I will …
No.
Not then.
Now.
Take control now. Stop waiting for everything you think will make your life perfect, grab it by the frickin horns and make your life happen. If you want something then go get it. If you need something to change then change it. It’s all up to you.
Do I sound preachy, here?
See, the thing is: I write this blog for me. I do it because I love to write, I love to make people laugh … and maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get some people to think a little bit. (Mainly myself!)
But mostly I write because it is what I do. It is how I cope. It is how I make myself laugh. And a lot of times, it is also how I make myself think.
This is what I have figured out about my current situation: I can either decide to let work make me miserable and whine helplessly about it, or I can choose to accept it as a learning experience and remember that it is a temporary situation that I have set up for myself and that really it’s not all that bad.
I can choose to be miserable, or I can choose to be happy. And if I ultimately decide that I need to remove myself from the situation, I can choose to do that.
The only traps in life are bear traps --- oh --- and the traps we set for ourselves.
We are clever when it comes to sabotaging our own happiness. You have to watch out for that!
Sometimes I forget that … and I need to write an entire blog entry to remind myself.
I need to remember to have faith in myself. I have to remember that it is faith in me that keeps me from falling down all the time.
I have to remember to give control of my dreams, my life and my happiness to God. People at work can say and do and think what they want about me. It doesn’t matter a bit in the grand scheme of things. I will be the one walking with confidence through the rest of my life because I know that other foot will always do what it is supposed to do and I am not walking alone.

Happy????

So here I am a little over 2 months later and I am finally getting back to the blogging world. A lot has changed with my life and when I say A LOT I mean A lot. So much has changed that blogging about it kind of makes me overwhelmed because I am not sure what to write about and what not to write about… So I’ll stick to the K.I.S.S method…and in case you’re the one thinking to yourself what in the world is the K.I.S.S. method I’ll fill you in. It stands for Keep It Simple Stupid!
So I made the move…Yup I am no longer in the state of MN…and if I am at all honest with myself I must say I am happy about that. I mean there were things about MN that I really liked…like the fact that there gas taxes were lower and the fact that I felt far enough away from my family that I was not relying on them and that ummm yeah…that’s pretty much all I’ve got! So I must say that even though I am reluctant to say it this move has been good for me. I have had many mixed emotions though through this entire process. I went from working 40 hour weeks…which consisted of loving kids and teaching them things. To working 60+ hours a week and being fluent in a language that I thought I would never speak…INSURANCE! Yeah that’s right I am an “insurance expert”! Now the title sounds great but let me just tell you some things about people who work in the insurance business they need to have thick skin because most of the time when people are calling for insurance something has gone wrong or something is going to go wrong and like it or not more then likely they are going to bitch…AT YOU! So it’s become a regular pattern for me to cry at work…yeah pathetic I know…I guess it’s time for me to thickin up I don’t want to me known as “the crier” at work… and I am sure all of you know what I am talking about!
Well not only am I an “insurance expert” but I also work at a church as a worship arts intern. Which in case for those of you who may not have known this it is the whole reason I moved back to the good ole state of WI. Now when I first got hired at the church I doubted and wondered what the cap am I doing. But now that I am here I could not be more thankful for this opportunity. Serving makes me so happy. It goes beyond the realm of leading worship in a church and into a whole different area of serving, loving, participating, empowering, coaching, and caring… The job at the church where I work is teaching me more then I could have ever imagined. Now I wish I could share those reason with the entire blog reading world but that is something that is going to be kept in my prayer journal and with my closest friends. What I can say is that I am happy! After going back and reading my past blogs throughout this past year I realize how unhappy I really was… from the location I was in, to the lack of friends, to not having any fellowship…A lot has changed.
Being in the place where I am now has brought me to people who I love, care for and am thankful for…and I know they feel the same way. Many of them will be reading this blog so let me just tell you something…thank you for loving me, caring for me, and being there for me. All of you are blessings. Which in this season of my life seem to be abundant!
So this blog is short and if you want to know more call me up…I said I was going to use the K.I.S.S. method and I am going to stick to it. Now we can only hope the next time I enter the blog world again it won’t be 2 months from now ☺